Yesterday was bittersweet for me. A big part of me felt I should blog 9-11 but I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't face the enormity of addressing it in any fashion. It's bittersweet x2 because Sept. 11 is also the anniversary of the passing of my Stepmom. I have to tell you that the emotions mixed up with this are a tangled mess. When I was young, I looked at the arrival of Mom as an intrusion into my life. We were six kids without a mom - due to addiction and a hard life my biological mom left when I was six. Anyhow, my stepmom came along, with a baby of her own (a BIG no-no in those days) and she took on the (get this) advertised job of housekeeper/nanny to us six kids. We were a BIT on the wild side and we sure were'nt going to make it easy for her.
When she came to us, she was almost 'fresh off the boat' from England, and she had some very prim and proper ideas. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her, really. In fact, I really never tried to realize what it was like for her, generally I was thinking of myself. And I was the poor stepdaughter (the only girl at the time of six boys - so I allowed myself to feel somehow upset of the intrusion of Mom in my Dad's affections)
Mom, over the coming years, with all the pressures of raising 8 (yes, she and Dad had my sweet sister, Nina) (and along w/ her son, our brother, Stephen) she became dependent a little too much on alcohol. She and Dad would work hard all week - yes, she worked full time as well as looked after us, and on weekends they sometimes hit the bottle - I imagine they needed something to take the pressure off. So, because of this I targetted on the bad stuff and my years with my mom were turbulent.
My Dad has been gone for years now, but Mom only a few. After my Dad passed on, she didn't drink anymore. I did have the sweet opportunity to re-connect with her - but SO MUCH TIME MISSED. Now that I'm older and wiser, I now see how selfish I was, and its my great loss. I truly mourn the loss of getting to know her, really know her. I am so blessed that my sister Nina and I have cultivated a friendship and sisterhood that was missing for a long time. When I stopped being jealous of the cutest little girl in my Daddy's life and started to get to know the graceful woman that my sister has grown to be... when the great gap in years between our ages did not matter any more - I come to tears to thank God for my sister.
Honor your father and mother"—
which is the first commandment with a promise—
One thing of great comfort to me, is knowing my Mom found God before she passed on. She forgave me and I know I am forgiven - not what I deserve.
BARB'S TIP # 77
You may be hard of seeing, or you know someone who is. I've located a nifty little program which allows you to magnify parts of your screen, and its FREE. No need to have to make the computer screen look HUGE, in the properties, just install this neat program and you will be able to bring releif to someone who might not see so good. When you clik the following link it will take you to the preview page - scroll down and it will give you an idea of what it does, before you decide to install it. This program would be ideal in settings like my husbands workplace where they teach computers to people up in their 80s!
Yes, today is b'day present day... and no, no one has guessed it yet... but I'll still make y'all an element...just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me what you would like me to make for you!